Dear kind reader,
It’s not everyday that you decide to help yourself. In fact it’s not even common that you realize that something inside you has been torn and has to be patched right away else your soul will spill through the hole. I try to be a better person everyday when I walk along the campus sidewalks while dodging cracks believing they’d bring bad luck, but have I really been a better person? I use the term loosely to refer to a concept that neither I nor my friends could put into words. Human nature is way too complex that I’ve already gone to believe God wanted it to be indescribable. Have I really been a better person? Right now, I will confidently say yes.
I have got to be honest with you kind reader, that I’ve been bothered by the thought of dying (yes I said the d word) alone. I know it sounds like a whinny teenager desperate for a boyfriend, but it is true — the kind that sinks down to your bone marrow true. I’ve always said when I was young that I refuse to be married because it’s all icky-yucky that you have to kiss someone on the mouth for everyone to see, and get all mushy in bed when your kids wake up to ask you for a glass of milk. Of course now, I take all of those back thinking to myself: “I wanna kiss someone on the mouth for everyone to see and get all mushy in bed when my child wakes up to ask me for a glass of milk! Who in this hell hole doesn’t?” After being completely oblivious (and disposing my trucks’ worth of denial) for the past 20 years, I’m begging myself to set itself free and unlock the shackles that should’ve been unlocked four years ago. This kind of enlightenment is long overdue, but now that I’ve had it, I’m enjoying every moment of it. You have to muster every particle of courage in your vortex of a heart to admit to yourself that something is wrong. I know it rubs off on the ego, but sometimes we let the ego prevent us from getting what we truly deserve; that’s a better life please and thank you. I had to map things out for me to see, and tell myself: “We’ll fix this. A new year’s coming to us; let’s start a new!” It is refreshing and rewarding at the same time to utter those sweet words to yourself. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself out of the muck you made yourself else you’ll feel like drowning in your own spit.
Above is the list of the things I want to retain or change when the clock strikes 00.00 at 12-31-10. It’s now longer than that when I last checked myself. Perhaps maturity is another term they use for those instances when you discover something new about yourself. Ironic but true — you are your biggest and fattest (but not too plump) stranger. Just remember, you might be fat but you’re as gorgeous as Beth Ditto.
aldouswright
Filed under: Literary, self help, self-esteem
