Dear kind reader,
I would like to apologize for not updating this blog. My mind has become so stale I can already smell it as it comes out through the holes in my ears. A few good things and a couple of bad things have happened in the past 4 months. I can’t believe it’s already September. To those who are not familiar with the academic year schedule in the Philippines, the year starts at June then the first semester ends at October. This means I’ve got less than a month left to position myself for graduation and define myself as an individual ready for employment. Let me run you through the plethora of things that are going on in my mind. Please stop from reading now ’cause I’m telling you, this is going to be as long as the Titanic film.
First off, I’d like to discuss about academics. I’ve been able to ground myself already; put my feet on the ground and feel the surface of it with my bare feet. I’ve been able to assess it already, and yes I’ve been able to adapt to the system, although it took me two years to do so. I’m enjoying myself, continuously expanding my mind, learning more about the subject matter, how futile learning really is and how dumb I really am, and of course life. The university has let me lose in its forest like campus with every kind of plant animal and people in it. It’s been such a fun ride, and I have a lot of things to be thankful for, my professors included, but lately I’ve been having trouble threading the path inside this forest. Today marks the day that I get my lowest score in an exam. Truth be told, I have never failed an exam my entire life, and I’m not going to fail this subject now. My response to it, as with any problem that came to me, is positive. I’ve worked hard, and I’ve even ditched a whole day’s worth of idle time to study. Unfortunately, it was all in vain because it was even lower than the previous. I am learning that I have to admit, but it doesn’t seem to add up with my test scores. You know, I just want to slap myself now and cry. I forgot, add to the burden our thesis that’s going somewhere, somewhere my team and I are still not sure.
Second, I’ve been trying to map out the path that I’ll be threading in 2 years time, if I do graduate ’cause as of now I’m so unsure if I really am going to leave the university come April. I’m torn between teaching in the university to get a scholarship for my master’s degree, and work in the industry to fend for myself and fund for my degree. The catch is this, I’ve not been able to check the terms of the university with their scholarship grants, but surely I will not get enough funds to satiate my lifestyle. I’ve seen one of our professor’s paycheck and trust me you’d want to get him to a psychiatrist for therapy for choosing teaching as a profession, but of course the satisfaction is there, and it’ll drown you ’til elation. It’ll also keep as sharp as a Japanese sword; you can’t teach something you don’t understand completely. I’ve proven that numerous times. I value my intellect and wisdom more than anything else.
Working in the industry is worth while if you like what you’re doing. My professors usually tell me it’ll bore me to death, and judging from my experience when we visited one of the biggest and most renowned IT offices in the world, I just don’t want to go back there. The presentation experience in that office also completely took the living daylights out of me. Me and my team worked day and night for one whole week for that, and the score was borderline passing and exactly mediocre. No satisfaction there, just pure stress and emotional trauma, but you get paid twice, even trice the amount the government pays our university professors. It’ll be able to cope up with my overly indulgent lifestyle, that I am sure. I forgot I still have to support one of my siblings’ education which I totally hate. Can they just let me be? I’ll be able to fund for my own master’s degree meaning there won’t be any catch; no one’s going to care if I don’t get high grades in some theoretical subject even if I nearly burned eyes from studying overnight everyday, but it’ll take time. Studying in the United States requires millions of pesos which some not so perfect guy like me can’t earn in a year. So let’s have the million dollar question on the board! Industry or academe? Life passion or pragmatism?
Third, I’d like to talk about myself. I’ve been able to find more of the pieces of myself this week so let’s toast to that. I’ve been listening to a lot of jazz, blues and soul lately, which I enjoy. With that I’d like to congratulate myself and confidently announce to the world I am an emotional person. I’ve been looking for minimalist shops lately, and have been planning the wardrobe change that I’ll be doing after I get to buy my machine in two weeks time. I’ve had a pair of custom-made slacks with me with the cut I love, and I plan to have it reproduced solely for me by my tailor in different textiles, but only in one color. Obviously it’s black. I know how I want to look like after graduation; I know what my aura is supposed to feel like when I graduate. I simply know what role I’m supposed to fit after graduation, and that’s good! Now the questions is, where do I fit in? (See paragraphs above)
Fourth, I’d like to talk about my now. I’ve been coping up with stress through yoga. I’ve been improving slowly. I can already do full yoga mudra. I didn’t really know I could do it, until my yoga professor told how to do it properly. I’ve been able to carry myself literally too. Try it! Cross your legs or do lotus then carry yourself with your arms. Now I feel I’ve got strength despite my size 0 model arms. I’ve been so dedicated to my practice that I’ve already considered going to India to just steam off and find enlightenment once again. My soul has been totally drained of color this semester and I badly need to get a retreat or something close to that for a month or so. I’ve also been imagining what life would be, had I been single ’til my dog barks and my breath stops. It was so serene, peaceful and beautiful but lonely. Ok I admit I’ve been through tough times in the past trying to do the thing young adults do to ensure they don’t live alone, but I think I’m ready to try it one more time. Yes, I’ve talking to someone for only I know how long, and I hope it turns out good, or even better. More on that if something does happen.
I can’t believe it’s already September! I’ve got more or less a month left to fix my life and have plans laid out and ready for execution. I need to make up my mind before April comes, because surely these decisions will affect me until I black out and my dog starts barking at me with my maids worrying. I’m going to feel its reppurcussions run through my veinous arms everyday gushing in a an angry to my brain. In a few days time, I’ll be dropping the teen suffix in my age. I’m afraid of getting old, but what I can do about that anyway? I’ve been breathing, sleeping, drinking and living for 20 years, and I know I’ve got so much to be thankful for that computer memory couldn’t store my list. If you dear reader reached this epilogue of this new entry of mine, I thank you. Telling myself I am not stressed is probably the worst denial I’ve done. I mean what kind of stress makes you write 7 paragraphs and 1,346 words? I can’t believe it’s September! It’s to ready your bank accounts for Christmas shopping! Ok it’s already 1,410 words crap. 1428 now.
PS: I’ve also been learning French, et c’est tellement amusant! Listen to Amy Winehouse again for me please? She might be hung on coke now, but she’s really good.
Filed under: Literary, diary